I’m Back

I have been gone for a while. My computer died. I finally fixed it. Life has been busy. I have been knitting away. I haven’t finished a project in a while. I’m working on a blanket for my daughter, gloves, and a sock. Here are some pictures and tidbits of my projects.

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This is Kidsilk Haze Cowl. I used Knitpicks Aloft. I love it. It’s so beautiful. It’s light. I made a few mistakes but you can’t tell because it’s wrapped. I am so pleased with how it turned out. It’s the first project I will be proud to wear. I thought it was a basic pattern. It didn’t require a lot of skill. At the end, I learned the Kitchener stitch. I am so impressed with how well I did. There was a little swearing at the beginning. I think that stitch will come in handy going forward.

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This is the bane of my existence. This is called Pretty Punk Blanket. I am using Caron Simple Soft. This blanket is a bear. It’s stupid simple but the stockinette stitch is maddening. I promised I would make my son one as well. I am going to double-knit his so I don’t have to put a liner on it. I think I’m going to alter the pattern. Maybe knit it in one big piece as opposed to 5 strips. I haven’t worked it out, yet. I’ll finish what I started before jumping into that.

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This is my sock. I do not have a pattern. I am following an instructional guide a friend gave me. It is beautiful and wrong. I’m debating on frogging it and starting over. I have knitted a lot more than the picture shows. I’m to the heel flap. I don’t know if I want to frog it and start over.

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Strangled Vines

I am enjoying this pattern. It is a slow go. I’m using a fingering weight yarn.  I was thinking of using a heavier weight and thicker yarn to see how that turns out. I need a side project when I get bored with this one. I’m just not sure which one to do first. I have so many things I want to do. 

Here’s the link to the Strangling Vines Scarf.

No, I’m NOT Obsessed!

As I have mentioned before, I started knitting in February to calm my nerves. It started with two size 8 knitting needles and some hideous yarn. Now, I am obsessed. I think about knitting all the time. Knitting is much better than the chores I have to do around the house. Knitting is better than these screaming children who refuse to listen and calm the f**k down. Knitting is better than all my worries that I will never be anything more than a housewife.

When I knit, I don’t have to think. I just count. Counting keeps me calm. I count backwards from 100 when I have anxiety attacks. It is effective because when you are in the middle of an attack counting/thinking becomes very difficult. Knitting helps my anxiety. It is a place where I can become calm. 

I started having panic attacks 12 years ago when my son died. They were really bad for about a year. I honestly thought the would kill me. After awhile, I found other ways to fight them. I had Pat. (No, I do not recommend having a baby to cure anxiety.) You would think that would make the attacks worse but it didn’t. Pat was a magical little boy and he calmed me.  The attacks started again when I got married. They weren’t as bad as when I lost Kyle. I didn’t end up in odd places confused and bawling my eyes out. Instead, I would just freeze and couldn’t leave the house. I went back to school and they subsided until I started the slp program. I was so focused on doing well and getting into grad school I didn’t have time to have a panic attack. I think I went into autopilot mode. I didn’t really feel anything during that time. I just did. I freaked out about school and cried and threw fits but I didn’t have an attack.

Then in the Spring, when I was told it wasn’t going to happen, they started again. It was slow at first. I would feel this wave of anxiety come over me. It would pass. I didn’t think anything of it because I’m an anxious person. Then one night in May I woke up in the middle of a panic attack. I have had several since then.

Knitting helps me calm down. It keeps me focused. I can clear my mind for a second and process all that goes on. I love the way watching the pattern appear makes me feel. I love the feel of soft yarn. I love the creativity of it all. There aren’t any restrictions to what you can create. Life restricts what you can do. You have to dance the dance but in knitting the steps are yours to create. They aren’t dictated to you. That’s why I love it. That’s why I am NOT obsessed.

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We are moving to Illinois. We have been doing a lot driving. This has given me time to finish some projects. I made gloves and a hat. I can’t wait to wear them.

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You would think I was done with the gloves by now. Nope. I had to start over. I almost quit knitting all together. I started over. This time things are going really well.

I have these magnets I used for the kids a few years ago. I used those to keep track of the chart. It helped a lot. I can walk away and find my place when I return. I also upped the needle size. I’m not sure if it was a bad choice but I can see the pattern better with the larger needles. So far, they fit my hand. I think they will fit.

I started the thumb gusset today. I’m 7 row into the pattern. I’m hoping to have them done tomorrow. Starting over in knitting is similar to starting over in life. You might think it is too hard to start over but afterward you are so proud you did. Moving forward feels so much better than standing still. You never know where it will lead.

Bag

Here’s a little dice bag I made. I changed the pattern a little bit. I only casted on 30 stitches and knitted 40 rows. It was for Colby’s toys so I didn’t need it that big.

I love making bags. I like how quick they knit up. I haven’t made any with a complicated pattern, yet. I love knitting with dpns. I like the rhythm of it. My favorite part of knitting a bag is closing it up.

I have very little closure in my life. My life is so crazy all the time. I feel like so many things get left undone. When I knit bags, it reminds me of all of the loose ends I have out there. I’m always running around trying to seal everything up. It never happens because the other people in my life tear it open or prevent me from finishing what I have started. It’s exhausting. I always feel like I’m failing because of it.

Knitting a bag allows me to tie those knit ends up. My life may always be in disarray but knitting allows me to have that sense of closure. I can slowly close up those ends I’ve left behind. So far no one has come behind me and unknitted what I closed up.

My life will probably never close up nice and tight like my knitting. I will have to figure out ways around that. At least with knitting, I can feel like I’m doing something constructive, even if it just benefits my psyche.