No, I’m NOT Obsessed!

As I have mentioned before, I started knitting in February to calm my nerves. It started with two size 8 knitting needles and some hideous yarn. Now, I am obsessed. I think about knitting all the time. Knitting is much better than the chores I have to do around the house. Knitting is better than these screaming children who refuse to listen and calm the f**k down. Knitting is better than all my worries that I will never be anything more than a housewife.

When I knit, I don’t have to think. I just count. Counting keeps me calm. I count backwards from 100 when I have anxiety attacks. It is effective because when you are in the middle of an attack counting/thinking becomes very difficult. Knitting helps my anxiety. It is a place where I can become calm. 

I started having panic attacks 12 years ago when my son died. They were really bad for about a year. I honestly thought the would kill me. After awhile, I found other ways to fight them. I had Pat. (No, I do not recommend having a baby to cure anxiety.) You would think that would make the attacks worse but it didn’t. Pat was a magical little boy and he calmed me.  The attacks started again when I got married. They weren’t as bad as when I lost Kyle. I didn’t end up in odd places confused and bawling my eyes out. Instead, I would just freeze and couldn’t leave the house. I went back to school and they subsided until I started the slp program. I was so focused on doing well and getting into grad school I didn’t have time to have a panic attack. I think I went into autopilot mode. I didn’t really feel anything during that time. I just did. I freaked out about school and cried and threw fits but I didn’t have an attack.

Then in the Spring, when I was told it wasn’t going to happen, they started again. It was slow at first. I would feel this wave of anxiety come over me. It would pass. I didn’t think anything of it because I’m an anxious person. Then one night in May I woke up in the middle of a panic attack. I have had several since then.

Knitting helps me calm down. It keeps me focused. I can clear my mind for a second and process all that goes on. I love the way watching the pattern appear makes me feel. I love the feel of soft yarn. I love the creativity of it all. There aren’t any restrictions to what you can create. Life restricts what you can do. You have to dance the dance but in knitting the steps are yours to create. They aren’t dictated to you. That’s why I love it. That’s why I am NOT obsessed.

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4 thoughts on “No, I’m NOT Obsessed!

  1. So glad that you have found something that helps you. It certainly sounds like you definitely deserve and need something.

    And look at all the new people you are meeting and places to go and things to learn!

    Know myself that there are days that if I didn’t knit, I would be either a screaming banshee or hiding in a dark hole. At those times I pick up my needles and work until I am soothed out. It is cheaper than pills or booze and I have something to show for it at the end. Do have a button now that states “I knit so I don’t kill anyone”. Keep telling myself that after 6 breakins in a year and the fellow spent most of that time in jail for other thefts.

    Just don’t let the knitting become a source of stress either — trying to do what someone else suggests or to a certain deadline. Sit back and relax and knit a few stitches for me.

    • It is a lot cheaper than medication and I can’t drink because of my belly issues. My friend gave me a xanax a few weeks ago because I was so insane. I am not for taking other people’s drugs but it helped so much. I know that when we get settled the first thing I’m doing is getting help. Knitting helps only so far. I really need to get control of it. I saw a coffee mug that says that. Meg is the only one who asks me to make things. I’m making her legwarmers. I love the look on her face when she sees the progress. She wants me to teach her to knit but you have to have some kind of attention span to do it. ha ha. Thanks for reading my blog. I don’t really publicize it. I do on fb but I think I only have 10 friends on there.

  2. Uh….I’m thinking y’are maybe just a little wee bit obsessed 😉 – but with all you’ve got going on, it is a good thing to have something positive & productive to be obsessed about.

    • I’m totally obsessed. Since I have the attention span of a nat, I don’t really care. I don’t stick with anything this long. LOL I haven’t had time to do anything I enjoy since I started college. I’m just enjoying the time to do what I like. I know once we move things are going to be busy. It really does keep the attacks away.

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