As I have mentioned before, I started knitting in February to calm my nerves. It started with two size 8 knitting needles and some hideous yarn. Now, I am obsessed. I think about knitting all the time. Knitting is much better than the chores I have to do around the house. Knitting is better than these screaming children who refuse to listen and calm the f**k down. Knitting is better than all my worries that I will never be anything more than a housewife.
When I knit, I don’t have to think. I just count. Counting keeps me calm. I count backwards from 100 when I have anxiety attacks. It is effective because when you are in the middle of an attack counting/thinking becomes very difficult. Knitting helps my anxiety. It is a place where I can become calm.
I started having panic attacks 12 years ago when my son died. They were really bad for about a year. I honestly thought the would kill me. After awhile, I found other ways to fight them. I had Pat. (No, I do not recommend having a baby to cure anxiety.) You would think that would make the attacks worse but it didn’t. Pat was a magical little boy and he calmed me. The attacks started again when I got married. They weren’t as bad as when I lost Kyle. I didn’t end up in odd places confused and bawling my eyes out. Instead, I would just freeze and couldn’t leave the house. I went back to school and they subsided until I started the slp program. I was so focused on doing well and getting into grad school I didn’t have time to have a panic attack. I think I went into autopilot mode. I didn’t really feel anything during that time. I just did. I freaked out about school and cried and threw fits but I didn’t have an attack.
Then in the Spring, when I was told it wasn’t going to happen, they started again. It was slow at first. I would feel this wave of anxiety come over me. It would pass. I didn’t think anything of it because I’m an anxious person. Then one night in May I woke up in the middle of a panic attack. I have had several since then.
Knitting helps me calm down. It keeps me focused. I can clear my mind for a second and process all that goes on. I love the way watching the pattern appear makes me feel. I love the feel of soft yarn. I love the creativity of it all. There aren’t any restrictions to what you can create. Life restricts what you can do. You have to dance the dance but in knitting the steps are yours to create. They aren’t dictated to you. That’s why I love it. That’s why I am NOT obsessed.